Toxic Cargo and Plaintive Pleas

"To err is human, to forgive Divine"

Have you ever tried to get to a toilet with your dignity intact while your stomach is on fire and threatening to explode through the rear? There is no shame in admitting that I have. More than once. This last time it happened, there was at least some benefit to it; I had been trying to find the words to express myself (explode through the front that is) but couldn’t. I write when I am emotional – happy, sad, mad, glad – but today I had nothing. My “trigger hand” just wouldn’t move. As I sat at my desk trying to earn my salary, I finally felt something and my eyes lit up. Alas! It was not the movement I was hoping for; rather, my bowels were apparently on fire! It felt like my tenants (the worms living in my stomach) were having an outdoor event and the bonfire got out of hand! I made to stand up suddenly, to dash to the bathroom, and very nearly spilled my toxic cargo. “Ok so we have to take this slowly” I thought to myself. Right.

So I got up gingerly instead, and walked to the door with a posture that would leave you in no doubt as to what was going on and exactly where I was headed. Problem: there were people in the corridor; I couldn’t very well walk LIKE THAT all the way to the bathroom. I looked ridiculous to say the least. I dared not look back for the simple reason that the effort could very well lead to a premature. . .you get the picture, plus I knew the cops and security guys behind me were in stitches. Bad man dem, bad bad man!
This brings us to the point of telling you this admittedly nasty tale (and I apologise for the images I have conjured in your mind): have you ever tried to walk with dignity while the civil war is being re-enacted in your tummy? You end up looking more ridiculous! There was yours truly walking on tip-toe with my shoulders hunched and my hands out in front like a rudder of sorts to compensate for the fact that all my senses had shut down temporarily!

Back to the start, the issue on my mind which distressed me terribly was that I had – once again – offended a certain someone and my efforts at making things better were achieving the exact opposite results. My favourite posture has always been “foot in mouth” and you can count on me to adopt it often. Like on this occasion. Some wise guy once said that when you’re in a hole of your own making the first thing to do is to stop digging. This is me therefore, throwing away my shovel and digger; I have no excuses, no eloquent explanations. All I have is one plaintive plea.

I am sorry.

Das all.